Well, there isn't too much to say. I was worried about a friend of mine, Roxy, but she is alright. It turns out I haven't heard from her for so long because she's in college and has been way too busy to get online. I wonder if she'd mind giving me her mailing address so that I can send letters instead. It might be easier to stay in touch that way. I'm very glad about the fact that she's alright, though.

Unfortunately, I still haven't heard from Kitty, another friend that mysteriously dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't noted any Internet activity from her at all. ;_; I wish she'd get online for at least a second or something and tell me she's okay. But, that doesn't appear to be about to happen anytime soon. *sigh*

I don't have too much to talk about, really. I have a new e-mail address. *blink* So, yeah. I updated that on here and all.

I've been hearing a lot of talk about Duane "Dog" Chapman lately. The bounty hunter. About how he made racial comments about his son's girlfriend or fiance or something. But, from what I've heard of the telephone conversation that his son sold to a magazine didn't appear to be racially motivated at all.

He was commenting on her character as a person, not the fact that she's an African-American woman. He did mention her race in the conversation, but...it was along the lines of he knew people would take his comments about her the wrong way because she was black when it had absolutely nothing to do with her race. And, believe it or not, you CAN be white (or any other race) and dislike an African-American simply because you don't like their character. There are jerks in every race and people of uncertain character, as well. It was his own opinion that he didn't like his son's fiance because of her character. NOT because she was black. And he only mentioned her race in the first place because he was saying why he would not make these comments on the air or on his TV show. And he didn't.

That phone conversation was a PRIVATE CONVERSATION between his son and himself. It was not on the air, in fact it was only made public because his son (whom I can only assume acted out of anger) recorded it and sold it to a magazine. And, as such, he's entitled to his own opinion and was not trying to force it upon the viewing public in any capacity. I think that suspending his television show was going way too far. Why do I think this? Not because I'm also white. Not because I'm ignorant of racial problems in the world. But, because it was a private conversation. It had NOTHING to do with his public image or his TV show. His son was the one that brought it to the public's attention by selling it to the media. Though, I don't even think that should be thought badly of because I can figure quite easily that his son was probably annoyed, if not angry, that his father was saying this stuff about his fiance for any reason. It's natural for someone to be defensive over such things and getting revenge is not above anyone. This is just the best way he could think of to "show" his dad that he wasn't going to tolerate that kind of talk about his fiance. Not the best decision on his son's part, but that was probably why he did it. I can't think of any other reason, because the Chapmans seems to normally be tight-knit.

But, what my point is, is that it was a private conversation and he is entitled to it. He is not entitled to force his opinions on people, no one is, but he wasn't attempting to do that. At least, not to the public itself. Perhaps he was trying to "talk sense" into his son, or at least try to get his son to see why he thought what he thought about his son's fiance, but that's a parent thing. Parents will always make their opinions known, most of the time verbally and in no uncertain terms, to their children if it concerns a major life decision. And if he thought the girl wasn't right for his son he had every right to say so and every right to tell his son why he thought that. That is his right AS A PARENT. Of course, his son has every right not to listen. But, that doesn't mean that Dog can't express his own opinion. And, since it wasn't meant for the public to hear I think it should be left alone and dropped and that his TV show should be left completely alone.

I know that he was invited to go on the Dr. Phil show and defend or explain what he said and to apologize to the girl's mother. But, I can understand exactly why he declined. It was said on the show that his legal counsel made the statement of, "We don't know what you're going to ask him." as the reason for Dog not showing up. But, truly...I wouldn't have shown up either. Not one person was there as a guest that would likely be objective. It was logical to think that if he went on that show he'd do nothing but tarnish his own public image even further because it was likely he'd be ganged up on by Dr. Phil and his guests. And, truly, I don't think he really owes anybody an apology OR an explanation. Why should he? He was speaking to his son in that phone call. The opinions were how he truly felt. Why should anyone be forced to apologize to an outside party of any sort for telling their own family member(s) how they truly felt about something?

If you have an opinion on something that happens not to jive with the way everybody else thinks or the way they take it, do you apologize every time? I sure as hell don't. I shouldn't have to. And I sure as hell don't apologize to someone I wasn't telling the opinion to in the first place. If someone happens to be offended by it, then I'm sorry that they were offended. But I am not sorry for what I thought or what I said. If you apologize for having a difference of opinion from someone every time, then you might as well not open your mouth at all. Or if you do, you'll follow every sentence with "I'm so sorry!"

And truly, America is a country where you are supposed to be allowed to have your own opinion about whatever the hell you want and to express it however you see fit as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. If Dog doesn't like someone, he has every right to say so and every right to say why and he should not have to apologize for it to people who aren't involved or even in FRONT of people who aren't involved. And trying to say that he has to or that he needs to or that he should is offensive to ME. So if you're of the opinion that he is in the wrong and that offends you and differs from your own opinion of people, then perhaps you should practice what you preach and apologize to everyone who's offended by YOUR opinion on the subject.

Doesn't sound like such a great idea now, does it? And I seriously do NOT want to hear anything about, "well, my opinion's different it's the RIGHT opinion and the JUST opinion, so I shouldn't have to say I'm sorry to YOU or anybody else." and likewise I don't want to hear any, "It's people like you who give such-and-such a bad name" because that will sound truly and utterly ignorant to me. And, before you think it's clever to say, "Well, I think YOU'RE ignorant" or "Well, I don't care if you care or not, but you're the ignorant one" or anything to that affect, you should know that it will make me laugh hysterically before I stop caring that it was even mentioned to me.

If he had said something that was racially offensive and said it with the intent of the media to let the public know about it, then I would say that's different. But, he did not. This was a private conversation TO his son ABOUT his son's fiance's character with her race far removed from being an issue in the conversation. Her race was only mentioned when he stated that he would NOT go on the air and say something like this because people would take it wrong. And that's exactly what happened. They heard what he said, knew the girl was a black woman, and immediately all of the ears in the public crowd ceased to function properly. They saw a white man insulting a black woman and that was all. It didn't matter that the white man didn't give a flying shit if she was black or not. Because nobody heard that anymore.

This whole situation is rather irritating to me. Something was made out to be a great racial slur against a young girl who did nothing to deserve it other than want to marry the man she loved who happens to be white. And that was not what it was, according to what I've heard of the recorded phone calls sold to the media by Dog's son who, in my opinion, was probably just pissed off that his father didn't like his fiance and said so. He knew the media would take it wrong and that's why he sold it to the magazine. He wanted to get his father back for what he said and he sure as hell did. Look at all the negative publicity Dog's getting for a PRIVATE phone conversation between himself and his own son.

Don't we all have more important things to worry about than whether or not Dog the Bounty Hunter dislikes his son's fiance for ANY reason? I certainly hope so. Open a newspaper or turn on the six o'clock news once in a while and find a real cause to get worked up over, instead of trivial little things like whether a bounty hunter doesn't like his son's fiance.

I dare you to find one parent who has liked EVERY boyfriend or girlfriend their son or daughter has brought home. I doubt you'll find one, unless perhaps the parent just never mentioned to the child that they disliked their significant other. Some parents are push-overs. But, if a parent dislikes their son or daughter's significant other they will usually say so quite loudly. It is their job as a parent to let the child know if they think they're making a mistake. And it would be best to let the child know BEFORE they walked down the aisle, or before they got into some kind of trouble they would be hard-pressed to get out of.

The girl might be a very nice person. I don't care one way or the other. Maybe she said something at some time or did something at a point in time that rubbed Dog the wrong way and he hasn't forgotten it. Maybe she seems shifty to him. I don't know! I don't care! He's not my father and she's not my fiance and I was not meant to be a party to that conversation, so it isn't any of MY business WHAT his opinion is of her.

But, this is MY opinion on this entire situation. My opinion in simple terms: Get over it and leave Dog alone. He is entitled to his own damn opinion, just like the rest of the world, whether it's wrong or right. THAT'S why it's an OPINION. Not a FACT. There IS a difference, people.

I watched Corpse Bride yesterday. For some reason I remember someone telling me that Victoria was a bitch, but when I watched the movie I didn't see that at all. I liked the woman, I thought she was very nice and, under the circumstances, very understanding of those around her.

I liked Victor as well, though Emily will always be my favorite character and I do now and always will wish that they'd be able to get married. *sigh* Too bad they didn't. I understand, though, that the movie was intended to have a bittersweet ending and that it most certainly did. I still wish that there could've been something done to make it end differently.

Such as perhaps putting a clause in Victor's own Will that stated that Victoria and her parents were to be taken care of financially, since the movie seemed to indicate that there would be no way for Emily, or any dead person, to ever become a member of the living again. Otherwise, they would've likely had an option for Emily to live again in order to marry Victor instead of only having an option for Victor to die to marry her. But, still, I would've liked him to end up with Emily even though I don't have a problem at all with Victoria. It's just that...well, though I haven't been killed by my husband or husband-to-be I can still relate to her more than I can to Victoria. That's probably what it is. I've felt just as alone and hopelessly helpless as she has, just as trapped. Still, I suppose it makes little difference what I wanted to see happen. It was still a very wonderful movie with a wonderful story-line and a bittersweet ending is better than a completely tragic ending where nobody is truly happy in the end. At least, here, everybody was happy to some extent, even Emily.

Recently my friend Rose has gotten me intrigued with the Byakuya/Ichigo pairing from the Bleach anime. I can't say it'll ever become one of my favorite pairings, considering I don't really like Byakuya all that much. I know that he only pretends not to have feelings. He does have them, he just hides them. And, I'll admit that if it weren't for the fact that he hides his feelings SO well and that he only lets the facade up when he is either extremely surprised or extremely injured...I would probably like him. Where others think he's extremely pretty, I disagree. The only time that I found him attractive enough to be considered pretty happened in only a few scenes. The main moment being when he blocked Ichimaru Gin's shinsou from stabbing through Rukia by putting himself in the way. It wasn't the action that made me think him pretty in that moment, it was the simple look of him. He didn't have perfect posture, his hair wasn't neat as a pin, his facial expression was not bored and stoic. To me, for someone like him, the stoic coldness doesn't work well his face and other features, therefore when he wears his usual expression, to me, he looks almost ugly. He seems to have almost no personality most of the time, because he chooses to hide it so well ever since he made that promise to his parents at their graves. I did like how he seemed to be before that promise, though, in the scene in which Hisana dies while he holds her hand. I liked very much that he held her hand, spoke to her softly and with inflection in his voice instead of just the monotone-ish boredness he uses now, and that he cried when she died a few moments later. One must listen well, but he didn't JUST bend over her when she died, you can hear a sob come from him at that same moment and then the scene cuts off. That I liked very much. Because it showed that he's more than just an arrogant man with a rod shoved up his ass so far nobody would ever be able to retrieve it.

My favorite pairing is still Renji/Ichigo, though I do like Renji/Rikichi. I don't think many people like that pairing, but I think it's cuuuute. xP And I will always like Ichimaru/Kira, though I dislike that most of the fanfiction I find for that pairing involves Ichimaru somehow mistreating Kira. I agree that he seems to be of the type that MIGHT like to be rough during sex. But since we've not seen him have sex with anyone in the anime, it's not likely that we can be sure he would. So having him at least be attentive to Kira's needs as well wouldn't be a stretch, I don't think. But, to each their own. I just wish there were just as many that catered to my liking as there are that caters to everyone else's. xP Writing my own fanfiction for the pairing would make sense, but then I wouldn't enjoy reading them as much because I'd already know what happens in the end. Oh well. I could still write my own, maybe, for those out there who also want to see Gin protrayed in a not-so-abusive light. ^^;; I dunno. We'll see.

I've also gotten quite attached to the Renji/Orihime pairing. I think it's very sweet and I don't think it would be too much of a stretch if you consider their personalities. Unfortunately, there has been little to no basis for this pairing in the anime as far as I have seen so far. Of course, I'm only up to the part where Orihime and Chad have been kidnapped by some people named Claude, Lilin and Nova...whom I believe later on become allies. But, still, Renji didn't seem too all-fired concerned. Ichigo was the most concerned, Ishida was obviously concerned as well, and while Chad was still there he seemed to be as concerned as his faceless expression could allow, but Renji seemed to be more irritated than anything. Not that I don't think he was concerned at all, I mean he did help and made an honest effort to be useful. I don't think he wanted her to die at all and I'm sure he understood the gravity of the situation, but his concern did not center around her as much as it would should someone truly be concerned for her because he cared for her. Still, it's also true that they haven't had much contact at all. Right now, they're just acquaintances at best. That could change, I suppose. Probably will. But, I can't expect a love-at-first-sight type of thing. That doesn't happen as often as Harlequin romance novels would like a person to believe. xP

Still, it's an interesting pairing and I do like it quite a bit. Never as much as my RenIchi and I doubt that the RenOri would ever surpass my current Bleach favorite pairing, but it's up there amongst the few. ^_^

Wouldn't you know it? I'm not even really quite done being angry yet and one of my friends comes along and makes me feel better. Hmph, how irritating. XP

No, actually, I'm glad Rose made me feel better. She was acting all silly and made me grin real big. I'm such a softy, which is such a switch from the way I used to be, what is wrong with me? It used to be I'd give a snort of laughter and that'd be it. Now, somebody makes me laugh and I can't stop right away.

Oh well, I guess that's a good thing. ^^;;

Well, anyway, I'm glad that Rose helped me to feel better. THANK YOU ROSEY! xp

And, I got a call from a friend the other day that put me in a good mood. Usually Misty only calls once in a while when she's got something going on that she doesn't know how exactly how to handle or she wants to just vent about. Which is good, I'm glad she calls me for that purpose, I'm happy to listen and to be there with support or suggestions if I can. Yesterday, though, she called just to talk and we started talking about people we used to go to school with and stuff like that. Neither of us have the best school year memories, and hers are as bad as mine. But, she and I did have some good times, even if for a while she was unsure if she wanted to be my friend or not.

She and I hit it off as friends right away when we met for the first time in fifth grade, but by the sixth grade she couldn't decide if she wanted to be a bitch like everybody else to me and be popular because of that (because then she would have a common behavior and therefore something in common with the other kids in our grade and one grade up from us) or if she wanted to be my friend. But, we had some good times anyway.

It started to fall apart for us in seventh grade, due to the fact that peer pressure from her other friends won out. I can't blame her for that, though. Being faced with having one good friend or having a lot of friends, most people really would choose to have more friends. I might've, I don't know because I was never put in that position.

Anyway, her friends got her to come up to me one day before classes started at school in 7th grade and try to pick a fight with me. She yelled so loudly that I was surprised none of the teachers came to see what the hell was going on, especially since when she started it the entire hallway went quiet and everyone stared. I remembered it being so quiet and looking at everyone staring. I told her that I wouldn't fight and she threw her books and shit on the ground and tried harder to get me to fight, but I still wouldn't. She ended up leaving a few minutes before the bell rang and I remember that was the first time that I wanted to cry in school. And the first time I almost couldn't stop myself from crying when I felt like crying. I'd wanted to in public before, just never in school. And I'd always been able to stop myself without a problem, but this time I had a bit of a problem, even halfway through my first class. I remember holding a book high in front of myself in order to hide it in case I was unable to stop myself from crying and my face kept contorting like I was going to cry. I didn't cry, but looking back on it I'm surprised.

After that we didn't talk anymore. She did apologize once, when I saw her at the laundromat. I accepted only to get away and I'm sure she knew that I wasn't sincere in my acceptance of her apology. After that we saw each other in the hallways, but that was about the extent of our interaction.

It wasn't until I'd quit school in the middle of eighth grade due to depression and anxiety that was getting worse. I didn't see her again for a couple of years until I was 17. It was summer time and I started to talk to her mother, whom I had found out was working in the clothing department of the local Wal-Mart. I was there quite often due to the fact that my mother worked at Wal-Mart in the snack bar at the time and I often went with her so that I didn't have to stay at home with my soon-to-be stepfather. I did not and still don't like him. He grates my nerves, but I'm civil because I have to interact with him on a daily basis. I don't have to so much anymore, but still sometimes.

Anyway, I started to talk to her mother and her mom told me how much Misty really did regret the way things turned out between us and her own actions that helped contribute to it. So I gave her mother my address and phone number and asked her to give it to Misty for me and we did and ever since then we've been in contact, off and on but still in contact.

It wasn't long after we got back in touch, though, that her parents announced that they were going to move to Oklahoma (where they lived before she came here in fifth grade). Misty wasn't originally going to go, even though they were desperately trying to get her to do so. Ever since she was 15 she'd been declared independent, because she wanted to be and her parents...let her and had it cleared the necessary way. And she'd been living with a boyfriend of hers when her parents decided to make the move (they wanted to be closer to her father's mother who was very ill). It was also around that same time that Misty found out she was pregnant. She was 16 or 17 by this time, though. She and I are a year apart in age so whatever I was she was a year younger. But, anyway, her mother and father wanted her to go with them even more now because she'd never had a child before and they figured she had no idea how to take care of a baby. But, she was determined to stay with her boyfriend JC and even wrote me a letter (she was living in a bigger city about two hours away) about how she was so happy about her pregnancy and she was going to marry JC and they would be a family.

Next thing I know she's broken up with JC because he was being a bastard and trying to beat her up and she's living with her parents and going with them to Oklahoma. And I don't hear much from her for a while, but when I finally do she's moved out of her parents house and in with some new boyfriend in Oklahoma and she's been independent from her parents again ever since. Unfortunately, I think that's probably better, considering the fact that her father has unfortunately become alcoholic, her brother is using, and at least one of her sisters is...not doing things that a young lady of her young age ought to be doing.

Currently she has two kids and another on the way, though after this one she says she's going to get her tubes tied. She'd be twenty years old now, I think. Usually they don't tie the tubes of women so young, but they will if they insist on it provided they have children. Doctors normally won't, unless it's necessary due to a medical issue, tie the tubes of a young woman because there's always a chance she might change her mind and want children later. Some doctors will still do it if the woman who wants it done will take a psychiatric exam. My mother knew a woman that wanted this done and had not had children and had no medical reason for needing it and they made her take an psych exam to make sure she wasn't likely to change her mind later.

But, anyway, I wouldn't put all this up here at all if it weren't for the fact that she'd tell anybody that wanted to know anyway. She's very chatty and has no idea why she might not want to tell everyone her whole life story and with some things I'm the same way and I know a lot of other people who are. It's not a bad trait to have, really. ^_^

But, anyway, we're good friends again now and I especially like thinking back to old times with her. She makes my school years, for the most part, seem almost okay. Especially when we talk about people who weren't horrible to us, though still were not our friends.

Anyway, I'm glad that I feel better about my earlier problem. :) And I hope Misty calls again soon. Hehe!

People really and truly irritate me sometimes. I had a very bad time of it in my school years. So much so that I became extremely depressed, didn't want to leave the house if I could help it at all, and even contemplated suicide. I didn't trust anyone back then at all, and truly I still don't trust people easily. And I don't see a reason to, either, because things haven't changed with the people I meet and the people I used to know.

That's alright, though. I'm not one to sit and complain about old stuff like that to anyone or even to a fucking online journal. That isn't what is irritating me right now.

What irritates me is that people ask me why I have certain complexes, personality traits and hang-ups and when I tell them it stems from my school years (and not just my high school or junior high school years, no this goes all the way back to my first years in school), they say something to the effect of, "oh you're just exaggerating, it couldn't have been that bad, I really doubt you had a worse time than I did."

What I want to know is what makes these people an expert on MY life experiences when they weren't even FUCKING THERE. How in the fucking hell would THEY know? They don't. And from what I've heard them say about their school life it wasn't as bad as mine. And, that's fine. I'm glad that they had a better time in school than I did, even if their school life was still crappy. I'm not saying that their life was dew drops and roses, but I'm just saying it wasn't quite as bad as mine. At least, not from what they've told me about.

It just pisses me off to no end. And, right now, I don't care if I come off as arrogant in some form. I just suppose I can't believe the nerve that some people have, especially when they're supposed to be close friends with me.

THIS is why I keep things to myself and don't open up. It's because when I do open up and answer personal questions, people tell me I'm exaggerating or outright lying. Not to mention that if the people I'm telling these things to ever decide they want to hurt me on purpose they could use some of the things against me later. People online I don't worry too much about that last part with. I can just block them and never have to speak to them again and they can go and tell the entire Internet world about my life and nobody would give a damn, really, because they don't know who I am and if they do they've never seen me in person and I have nothing to worry about from them. It's the people I have to see every day that I worry about THAT with.

But the fact that people either accuse me of exaggerating or lying is what keeps me from telling people online much of my past. I say this much here because I'd tell anyone that much. But, I don't just spout off actual events in time that support my claims to just anybody and when I do and they act like that...Oh it really sets my blood boiling.

And when people tell me to just, "stop" my anxiety attacks and things like that. That irritates me too. Anybody who has ever experienced depression and/or anxiety attacks knows full fucking well that you don't just 'stop' having them. And just having friends who've experienced anxiety attacks doesn't fucking make anybody an authority on them, no matter how often they were their for their friend(s) that had these attacks. You can see the severity of them, you can see how long it takes some people to, for lack of a better term right now, get better...but unless you've experienced it it's not something you can truly understand. It appears to be the same with depression, because a lot of people seem to think anyone who is depressed is just sulking and they need to suck it up and get on with their lives. It is not as easy as that. Depression and anxiety are not things that you just 'stop' and it effects people differently and thus the treatments for each and the time in which it takes to 'get better' is not always the same.

And the next person that actually speaks to me on the phone, over IM, or in person and tells me that they are an authority on these things because they watched one or more of their friends go through it I will rip to shreds in one way or a fucking other. The next person who tells me that I am or have been exaggerating or lying about anything in my past that they were not there for I will hang up on, block or smack.

Anyway, I'm finished for right now. Anybody who reads this will probably roll their eyes and say, "doesn't this chick have any sense in her damn head?" or "doesn't she have anything better to do than write about this shit?" but I don't care. This is MY journal and I'll write about whatever I want and however I feel in any form of candid or frank fashion that I feel like.